nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
