My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
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Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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