it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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