there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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