Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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