If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
