I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
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He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
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Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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