K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
