omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
