i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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