It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
