I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
