i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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