hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You smell like a Billy Joel song
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
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So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
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Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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