So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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