I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
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I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
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I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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