if i can run in heels then i can drive
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
