he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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