I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
