i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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