i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
