my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
