Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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