I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I need to calm my uterus...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
