She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
