This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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