There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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