my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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