She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
