While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
