I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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