Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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