i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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