im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
