my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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