I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
