god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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