She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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