guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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