that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
someone owes me an orgasm
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
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The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
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WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.