My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
