Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
