his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
