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I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
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