god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?