I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"