I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?