Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.