Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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