your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
