I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize