Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
