you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
