We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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