girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
This baby is an asshole
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
