Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
