I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
