i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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