A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Someone shit on the floor
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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